


please don't say you love me

by FUKUROSDANI



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Male Character, Coming of Age, Denial of Feelings, Established Relationship, Fukuroudani, Gay Male Character, Implied Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Johzenji, Love Confessions, M/M, One-Sided Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Original Character(s), Past Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Past Relationship(s), Sad with a Happy Ending, Third Year Akaashi Keiji, University Student Bokuto Koutarou
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 18:32:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16124306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FUKUROSDANI/pseuds/FUKUROSDANI
Summary: "Tell me I'm wrong, Keiji.""I'm sorry."In which the Fukurodani Alumni come into town and cause trouble.





	please don't say you love me

Terushima looked up at his boyfriend, tears in his brown eyes as he repeated his question, "Tell me I'm wrong, Keiji."

Ever since the Fukurodani alumni had been back in town, Akaashi had been spending so much time with a certain Bokuto Koutarou.

Terushima never really had a jealously issue, he trusted his boyfriend. That was until he found out that he had been hanging out with his ex, the one who moved away right before they had started dating. Naturally, he assumed he was just a rebound.

"Tell me I'm wrong!" His voice boomed. He had hoped he wasn't right, he prayed he wasn't, but deep down he knew he was.

Akaashi knew he was right too, he knew that deep down, he still cared for Bokuto. He still cared a lot. "I'm sorry."

Finally letting tears fall from his eyes, Yuuji only backed away from his boyfriend, in shock. Akaashi tried to hug him, only to be pushed away, "Yuuji, please let us talk about this." He whispered out, he liked Terushima, he always had. He just didn't know what came over him.

"The kiss didn't mean anything to me."

"T-the kiss?" Terushima stuttered out, his voice cracking slightly. "You kissed him?"

Terushima took a step back, taking a seat on his bed to calm himself down.

Akaashi felt hopeless, he felt like he had just jumped on his own heart, it was all his fault. He couldn't do anything about it. Bokuto was his first love, he knew there'd always be a place in his heart that would love him or, think he loves him.

Regardless of what he had done with Bokuto and what was in the past, this was the present. And Keiji had strong feelings for Yuuji now, how he would help him with his homework when he was stuck on a question, or how he could change the whole atmosphere when they're in a game. And that terrified him.

"Get out," Terushima whispered, barely audible.

Akaashi's eyes widened as he tried to form a sentence to fight back, but nothing came out. He had been defeated, he'd lost Yuuji. And it was all his own fault.

Nodding, Akaashi left a small kiss on the tear-stained cheeked teen's forehead before leaving his room, exiting the house.

\--

The next day, the duo had an early morning practice, and nothing about it went smoothly. Akaashi was messing up simple tosses that everyone knew he could do, while Terushima was getting blocked and not able to blow through a single one. Everyone could tell there was tension between them, even their coaches.

When the loud yell of Coach Yamiji called out for Akaashi and Terushima, no one in the gym was surprised, but they were worried. Their coach could be hard to deal with sometimes.

When the duo faced their coach, they could tell they were about to be scolded. They had nothing to say, they both were having an off day, there wasn't much they could do about it.

"Look you two, I don't care what happens outside of this gym, it's really none of my business but when it affects what goes on inside here I can't just ignore it." He paused and looked at both boys. "I'm not going to make you tell me what's going on either, but if it starts to affect the team and you can't leave your drama outside of this gym, I will not hesitate to bench you both."

After being scolded, the bell of the start school rang, saving the duo from being scolded any longer. And without another word, Terushima left the team and went to the club room, not speaking a word to Akaashi.

After school, they had another volleyball practice which didn't go any easier than earlier, in fact, it was worse. So much worse, coach Yamiji did end up putting them on the bench for the rest of practice.

Letting out an over-exaggerated sigh, Yuuji placed a towel over his head and flopped his body down on the bench. With the full intent to ignore Keiji, Terushima had too let out a sigh when he started to talk to him.

"Please talk to me, Yuuji, we can talk about this." He pleaded.

Hanging his head down, Terushima did everything in his power to not cry. As he felt tears start to fill his eyes, he used the towel to wipe his eyes.

Anger struck through the teen, he whipped the towel off of his face. Standing up from the bench and exited the gym, if he wasn't going to be playing there was no point to him being there to suffer.

\--

The next day, Terushima didn't come to school. Which didn't go unnoticed to Akaashi and his teammates. They knew that he would only miss school if he was seriously sick, they knew because of how high his college prep classes were and how fast they move on. But Keiji knew the truth, he didn't come to school because he didn't want to see him.

After the 15th person asked him where his boyfriend was, Akaashi had enough. He was tired and feeling guilty about his dumb mistake. He had no one to go too, he hadn't fully opened up to many people, except for one person.

akaashi: can we meet up? I need someone to talk to

bokuto: okay sure, come over when ur done with school

Once school and club activities were done, Akaashi caught the train straight to the Bokuto household. Knocking on the door, he felt a wave of anxiety hit him.

What the hell was he doing? How is he talking to the whole reason why Terushima is mad at him going to help him? Turning around to go home, the door opens, "Akaashi! Come in!" Koutarou's voice boomed. Keiji was stuck now.

Once they got up to the alumni's room, Bokuto shut the door behind them and the room fell to an awkward silence. "Bokuto-san--" Akaashi tried before getting cut off.

"Akaashi wait, I have something to show you."

Akaashi's quirked his eyebrow in curiosity, watching Bokuto pull his phone out of his sweatpants pocket.

The flash of his phone being turned on made Akaashi eye widen. The picture Koutarou had used for his background was of him and a girl, a pretty girl but not Keiji's type.

"This is my girlfriend, Momo." Bokuto introduced, smiling at the memory of the picture being taken.

Akaashi knew Bokuto was bisexual and had no problem dating a woman, but he did not know he had a girlfriend when he had kissed him. That means he had ruined two relationships in one week, his own and Bokuto's.

"I ruined it didn't I?" Keiji whispered. Looking down, all the guilt hit him. He wasn't even thinking about anything but himself when he kissed him.

"No! Definitely not! We talked it out, we're good," Koutarou tried to comfort his ex. "But you being here probably isn't the best thing, I don't care though. You're my best friend still." He smiled.

"Anyways! What's wrong?"

Akaashi took a moment, thinking out his words. He didn't want to offend Bokuto but he also needed to get his point across. "I messed up." Was all he could muster to whisper before his eyes fogged over with tears.

"Keiji.."Bokuto trailed off, noticing the tears in his eyes.

Once letting a single teardrop, it was as if Keiji was letting out everything that he had been bottling up for years. It like a fast stream of water flowing out of his eyes.

Bokuto almost didn't know how to react, he'd never seen Akaashi like this. Relying on his instincts, Bokuto pulls Keiji into his chest, whispering the same words to him, "It's okay, take your time. I'm not going anywhere."

Koutraou would be lying if he said he didn't feel a little bit for Keiji at this moment, but he knew he had a girlfriend and Keiji had a boyfriend. One he obviously loved so much to be crying over him.

Once Akaashi had calmed down, Bokuto handed him a glass of water and a tissue with a sympathetic smile on his face. He felt awkward, he had just broken down in front of him and now he was taking care of him. "I'm sorry." He said awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck.

"You've been saying that a lot lately." Bokuto smiled, taking a seat down on his bed. He didn't have any problems being around Akaashi, he honestly missed being friends with him.

Akaashi laughed dryly, taking a sip of his water. "I kind of need too, I keep messing everything up."

"I'm sure you didn't come to me just to apologize."

Akaashi looked down, he felt slightly guilty to only text Koutarou out of his own need. "I just-" He paused, taking a moment to collect his thoughts before trying again, "Yuuji hates me and I understand why but I can't stand the thought of him hating me."

"Because you love him?" Bokuto asked, looking at Akaashi's face for a reaction.

As if on cue, Keiji's eyes widened as he continuously shook his head, causing Bokuto to laugh. "You don't need to lie, Akaashi. I know you better than you know yourself."

"I don't love him, I don't know if I do," Akaashi admitted. He did have strong feelings for Yuuji, he just didn't know what to make of them.

Bokuto could tell there was something Akaashi wasn't telling him. He knew if he tried to push Keiji, he might not tell him so he had to figure it out himself. "I've seen the way he looks at you 'Kaashi, he's completely in love with you."

Akaashi thought for a moment before replaying the same way, "I don't know if I love him." He deadpanned.

Sighing, Bokuto looked over at his ex, seriousness plastered all over it. "I think you're in love with him." He said blatantly. "I think you're so in love with him, you scared yourself." He added, pressing his lips into a thin line.

Akaashi stayed silent, allowing Bokuto to start speaking again. "I think that when your dad left back in your first year, that you got scared to love anyone because you thought that they'd just leave you." He explained, "Wanna know how I know that?" He then asked, not too soon after.

Akaashi shook his head, turning away from his Koutrou's line of vision, everything he was saying was right and, he hated it.

"I know because when I first told you I loved you, you freaked yourself out and tried to break up with me. Now you're doing the exact same, you convinced yourself that you had feelings for me because you're scared you'll get hurt, Keiji." Bokuto said again, he had no idea where any of this was coming from, but he knew it was all true.

"Shut up," Akaashi spoke harshly, he didn't want to hear his mistakes. He knew he messed up, he knew it was all his fault, he knew he was losing Terushima for good because he was too scared to talk about his real feelings.

"Letting someone in isn't the worst thing in the world, you need to do it eventually."

"I'm not scared to let anyone in!" Akaashi finally yelled anger boiled up inside of him.

"Then what are you scared of, Akaashi?" Bokuto asked, finally getting the right opening to ask his question.

"I'm scared of being hurt, okay! I pushed him away because I was scared and now I'm regretting it because I love him!" He yelled at Koutarou, getting right into his face.

Bokuto smiled, satisfied with his work as he watched Keiji's eyes go wide at what he had just said. "I rest my case." He spoke, the smug smile still on his face.

Akaashi backed away from Bokuto, trying to comprehend what he had just admitted. If he loved Terushima, what was he going to do now? He already hurt him, he's already ignoring him. He was too late with his confession, and it was to the wrong person.

Noticing Keiji' fear in his eyes, Bokuto tried his best to calm down the third year. "Calm down, Keiji. If anyone can fix this, It's you." Was his advice, and he was right.

Keiji was an amazing problem solver, especially when it came to volleyball. Bokuto thought back to his third year of high school, remembering all the times Akaashi had helped him out of problems, he was always there for him. And now it's his turn.

"Do you still write, Keiji?" Koutarou asked, starting to look around his room for a pen and paper for Keiji.

Akaashi watched as the university student looked like a maniac, throwing things around his room in desperation for the paper and pen. "I-i don't know, not really I guess?" He answers. It came out more like a question as he was too sidetracked watching him look.

Once he finally found what he was looking for, Bokuto popped his head up from the side of his bed, making Keiji jump. Holding out a pencil and paper at the teen, a smile on his face as he told him his suggestion. "Write him a letter about how you feel."

Laughing dryly, Keiji eyeballed the paper. He thought it had been a joke, there was no way he could write down all of his feelings on a piece of paper, not just one. "No." Was all he could say.

"C'mon, Akaashi! You have a beautiful way with words when you write." Bokuto tried to convince him. He knew that Keiji's writing was beautiful, it always had been, he used to write to him all the time.

"Fine! But I'm not doing it with your watch over my shoulder." Akaashi agreed, taking the pencil and paper from his sex, shooing him out of the room so he could sit at his desk and write.

After a couple of minutes of sitting outside of his own room, Koutarou got an idea. "Keiji?" He knocked, walking into the same scene he has seen when he had left to room.

Akaashi was sat at Bokuto's desk, staring down at the piece of paper, trying to form words into a sentence. He was beginning to grow frustrated as nothing was coming out of his brain. "Keiji?" Bokuto repeated.

After not getting a reply, he just deiced to speak. "I'm going out for a bit, I forgot I had to do some stuff," Bokuto said. Leaving the room in a rush, he knew if he didn't do this soon he might not get too.

-

-

-

After what seemed like years, Akaashi finally finished his letter to Terushima. He didn't care much about editing and, thanks to Bokuto still not being home from wherever he went, Akaashi was able to leave his house without being forced to show him what he wrote.

Getting on the train, Keiji started to grow anxious. He worried about if Yuuji would ever forgive him. Bokuto had told him that Yuuji would, he told him that Yuuji would love him no matter what. Which only made him a bit more worried.

There was no doubt that Keiji loved Yuuji, but due to recent events. He was worried he would hurt him again, he didn't want to do that. It hurt to see Terushima so upset, almost like he was feeling all his emotions.

Once the train arrived, Akaashi got off the train. Starting the 25-minute walk to the Terushima household.

Staring at the door, Keiji froze. He was scared, scratch that, he was terrified. He knew he'd get turned around and told to go away, but part of him wished he could just go in and talk to Terushima. That would be so much easier.

Taking a breath, Akaashi knocked on the door.

Inside the household, a puffy red-eyed Terushima sat on the couch in front of the tv with his mom.

The older Terushima had been trying to cheer up her son all day, she knew how hard the move from Miyagi to Tokyo was on him. So when he came home saying he made the volleyball team, she knew how happy it made him. Seeing him sad was always hard on her.

The knock on the door sounded throughout the whole house, causing Yuuji to jump. He was dreading this all day, he knew he couldn't face Akaashi, not yet.

He felt so stupid, he had fallen way too early. He just ended up being a pawn, a rebound. And he hated it. He never wanted to see Keiji again, but he knew that wasn't possible. So, for now, he would his very best to avoid him, even if that meant stopping volleyball.

"It's him, isn't it?" Yuuji whispered to his mother who was looking out to see who was there.

After not getting a reply, Yuuji already knew.

When the opened door exposing Yuuji's mother, Keiji almost froze. If he was being honest, no matter how many times he met his mother and they had nice conversations, he was always scared of her. "Is Yuuji home?" He muttered, avoiding eye contact.

When Yuuji's mom looked back at her son, tears were starting to form in the corners of his brown eyes. She felt her heart ache as she saw him shake his head, pleading not to see him. "He's not taking visitors right now."

Keiji felt his heart drop as if he wasn't expecting that. "I see," He whispered. Holding out his letter, "Can you give this to him? He doesn't have to read it, but things would make more sense if he did."

Trying his best to give a warm smile, Keiji gave the letter to Yuuji's mom and walked away. Heading to the park close to his house.

-

-

-

After having a long talk with his mom, Terushima took the letter. He almost ran up the stairs and into his room, he wanted to read the letter alone. He didn't know what Keiji had written, it was the safest bet. 

 

Closing his blinds in his room, he took a seat on the edge of his bed. He sat there looking at the letter, 'Yuuji' it wrote over the top in Keiji's perfect cursive style writing he loved so much.

He was preparing himself. He knew the letter was an apology, but he was scared that it also said that Yuuji had always been a rebound. He was scared that he'd find out he wasted his time on Keiji, that he never actually loved him.

Later, after many minutes of mental preparation, Yuuji opened the letter. Allowing his eyes to scan over the paper.

Dear Terushima,

 

I know nothing I say can even come close to a decent apology. and I know, I don't deserve you, you know probably know that too by now. I really don't deserve your forgiveness, everyone knows that but I think that you deserve some form for closure for what happened.

I'm gonna tell you a story about me, it's not really a good one but I hope it helps you. At least a little bit.

Back when I was in my first year, my dad left my mom and me. He left us alone and it hurt my mom, a lot. It hurt me to see her like that.

It hurt to see the only person who ever showed me any kind of love in my life to cry herself to sleep every night.

She always thought I couldn't hear her painful cries and weeps, her asking god what she did to deserve this. But I did, I heard it all.

So I guess that in some way made me shut myself off to other people loving me because I was scared that they'd leave me someday too.

That I'd end up like my mom, faking all day to be happy and then crying myself to sleep every night.

So I pushed you away, I did some really, really, fucked up shit to you. You didn't deserve any of it. You didn't deserve me, you shouldn't have fallen in love with me.

All I did was hurt you so that I could make myself feel better because I was so in love with you, I was so in love with you that I was scared I'd get hurt.

I made myself believe that I loved bokuto-san still and I didn't. I really didn't, in fact, I probably ruined his own relationship even if he doesn't want to admit it.

But its always been you, Yuuji. its always been you, I've always loved you. I haven't stopped loving you since I met you.

I'd understand if you didn't want to be with me anymore. I ruined everything and I betrayed your trust. But I do still love you, I love you a lot.

If you want to talk things out, I don't expect you to forgive me so fast but If you do I'll be at the park where we had our first kiss.

If you don't show up, It means you're done with me and I understand.

I'll be here until the last train leaves, I love you, Terushima Yuuji.

~ Akaashi Keiji.

Taking a moment, Yuuji tried to comprehend what he had just read. He was happy he knew that he wasn't a rebound, that Keiji really loved him.

In the back of his mind though, he was scared Keiji would do something like this again when he felt they were moving too fast. Yuuji wouldn't be able to handle that.

Looking at the clock, there was still another 2 hours before the last train left.

Terushima debated with himself on rather he should go or not. He loved Keiji, he did, but after being hurt once, he was scared it'd happen again. He didn't want to be with someone who wouldn't be 100% in love with him, someone who wasn't sure.

Finally coming to a decision, Terushima felt guilty. He just wanted to be happy.

Coming down the stairs to see his mother on the couch, a worried expression covered every inch of her face. "Mom?" Yuuji spoke up, getting his mothers attention.

When the older Terushima met eyes with her son, she could tell he was hurting, she could tell what he was going to do and how scared he was about what would happen next.

Giving her son a warm smile, she opened her arms, telling him to come here. Yuuji's lip quivered as he approached his mother, hugging her tightly. 

He tried doing everything in his power not to cry, he was tired of crying. It's what he had been doing most of the day. But he couldn't help but think his decision, was a mistake. 

-

Looking down at his watch, Keiji started to grow anxious. The last train left in just a little less than an hour and a half.

He was worried Yuuji wouldn't come, that'd he'd be alone. The walk from the Terushima house to the park wasn't long, maybe a 2-minute walk at max. He knew he didn't really deserve Yuuji's forgiveness, but he at least thought he'd show up. 

Looking at the time on his phone again, Keiji recalled the moment. The exact moment where everything went downhill, the moment he knew he could never get Yuuji's trust back. 

"I don't mind spending all his time with you Keiji, but don't you think you should be spending it with your boyfriend?" Bokuto jokes, following the teen into his bedroom. He knew it was serious just by the tone of the text he had received, he didn't want Akaashi to freak out too much. 

Once they made it into Keiji's room, he slammed the door and rested his back against the door, sliding down to the ground and crying into his hands. This small movement caused Bokuto to jump into action. "Keiji! What's wrong?"

Letting out a sob into Bokuto's chest, Akaashi mumbled, "He told me he loved me." Koutarou tried to hold back a laugh, trying to understand Keiji's point of view. 

"Isn't that good?" 

Akaashi shook his head, wiped his eyes and connected his hand to Koutarou's cheek. "I don't know if I love him back." He whispered. A small glance down to Koutarou's lips made him realize what was happening. 

As soon as Koutarou saw Keiji lean in, he was frozen. He didn't want to kiss Keiji, he knew he had moved on, he had Momo. In the back of his mind though, he was scared he'd kiss Keiji and everything would come back to him. 

And then, they touched. 

"Keiji!" A voice yelled. 

"Keiji!" The voice spoke again, bringing him out of his daydream. 

Akaashi opened his eyes, meeting Yuuji waving his hand over his face. He looked like a mess, his eyes were red and puffy, there were tear stains on his cheeks and the t-shirt he wore, which was Keiji's.

"Yuuji! You came!" Keiji exclaimed. Showing a wide range of his emotions, which was rare for him. Fighting back the urge to hug his lover, Akaashi gave in and hugged Terushima, as if it's been years. 

When Terushima didn't hug back, Akaashi pulled away, frowning. Yuuji's whole demeanour was cold, not that Keiji blamed him, he was hurt. "I'm not here to forgive you." He continued, "I'm here to tell you that I don't trust you."

Keiji felt his heart drop. He knew that Yuuji wouldn't trust him, he knew that there'd be a small chance they'd stay together, but he did hold on to the hope that they would. It was all he had, he was all he had. 

Terushima avoided eye contact, looking down at Keiji's fidgeting hands. He was nervous, scared. "But, I still love you. I love you more than anything, and I don't want to lose you." Yuuji whispered, finally looking up at Keiji. 

"I'm not saying I'm going to forgive and forget, and I'm not saying fuck you, go home." Yuuji laughed, giving the first genuine smile he'd seen in a while. "I just wanna meet in the middle, take things slow. I think that'd be best for both of us." 

Keiji never smiled so much in his life. He wanted to run up to Yuuji and give him a huge hug, remembering the details of the last time, he held back. 

"You can hug me now, Keiji." Terushima smiled, basically reading Akaashi's mind. 

He smiled and went straight in for a hug, before getting stopped by Yuuji again. "Just don't go around kissing your ex's again, okay?" Yuuji tried to joke, but it came out more like a statement than a joke. He wouldn't be able to handle the pain if it did happen again. 

"I promise," Keiji said. No joking tone in his voice. 

-

"I probably wouldn't have even talked to you if it wasn't for him," Terushima said. Walking hand in hand with Keiji. After sitting in the park for a moment, Yuuji had agreed to walk Keiji's to the train station. 

"Who?" 

"Bokuto-san. He came to me a couple of minutes before you did, he told me everything." Yuuji admitted. "I'm sorry if I made you feel pressured, into telling me your feelings. I just-" He started before Keiji cut him off. 

"You didn't." He started, "You actually made me come to terms with it, I was scared and I pushed you away and you being away from me made me realize how big my feelings for you actually are." Keiji blushed, looking away from Yuuji.

Noticing the heat on Keiji ears, Yuuji smiled and moved his hand onto Keiji's cheek, turning his head to face him. "I love you." He whispered, running his thumb across his soft skin. 

"I love you too." Keiji smiled back.


End file.
